Whew.....what a course has been run over this week! I pulled out of my Alabama home about 2:45 last Tuesday afternoon and headed north towards KC. I am still amazed at how one person who does not own a lot of stuff could have so much stuff to get rid of, sort through, throw away....and still have so much to "store". Again, I can not say a big enough thank you to my dear friends who jumped in on the labor! As I drove and reflected, I just wept at the love and care you guys showed to me, both those who came and sweated and those who have given in prayer and financially. Know that I love you all and am missing "home"....which is made up of you all!
As I was coming into the KC city limits I heard the Lord tell me that I was coming into a "greenhouse" season. I immediately saw a little glass greenhouse I took refuge in while in Drum, Ireland out of the cutting wind that was blowing that day. That greenhouse was HOT! The sense I had was that the right nutrients and elements were going to be in place for rapid growth. That sounded positive, right? Well, I met up with my landlord when I arrived and he took me to the house where I had rented a room. From the moment the door opened, the "greenhouse" materialized before my eyes! Both spiritually and in the natural (the thermostat is locked at 79 literally!) the house is not a place of rest or peacefulness. One of my first responses was to cop attitudes; mix that with where my heart was at when I arrived in KC....having left everyone and everything behind, grief, complete exhaustion physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually and I was set for a crash and burn!
Thursday I spent the morning with a friend who I had completed my previous internship with. That afternoon, I simply kept driving around, again just exhausted. I suddenly found myself with the strongest urge just to drive right back out of KC. I did not want to finish unloading my car, did not want to get the PO Box I need or open a bank account here. I was completely undone! If I could have thought of somewhere I would have wanted to be....I would have just left. But then I was struck with I have no place to go! I have burned the bridges to Alabama....my old place no longer exists, nor my "stuff". That brought on a whole new depth of tears as I felt that strange emptiness. So about 4:30 that afternoon, I just went to the prayer room. If God had brought me here to be in that room, then ok, I would go and sit in it! Though I had no strength, no prayers and was completely broken....I sat. For over 5 hours. Through that time, my spirit started to breath somewhere along the line. I walked out peaceful.....not real happy but I no longer had the urge to bolt!
The next morning I woke up and felt directed to head to my mom's house in Arkansas for the weekend. IHOP had a special National Prayer Conference going on, which took things out of the norm here and I was going to need to go see her before the internship started anyway. This gave me a chance to sleep a few nights in AC, rest up, get my clothes washed and ironed and just re-group. I knew this transition would be tough but I had not anticipated the degree of the challenge nor the warfare! As I was preparing to leave, I stopped by the bookstore to pick up a book for my mom. On the display table near the front my eye caught a teaching CD that was actually recorded in 06. I grabbed it too as it was stirring in my spirit. As I drove and listened, God started revealing my heart to myself. I would not identify myself as an angry person. Anger is just not something I have identified about myself. But in this teaching it was stated that for some people anger manifests in the outburst; for others it manifests in depression! What?! I have never heard that one before! And immediately, the light was shining on places in my heart revealing anger. Anger towards people, myself and at God.....I mean, I had just walked through some of the toughest terrain in my life, given up everything and now that I am here.....I can't even have a place to "rest" for awhile?
What God has given me is truly a greenhouse that quickly pulled to the surface those things hidden in my heart...which is allowing me to deal with what I did not know was there. You see, anger has some friends like pride, ambition, jealousy, etc. So I am grateful for His wisdom and lovingkindness to me in the midst of all of this. Do be praying for me, as though this place I have rented has severed this purpose, I do not feel compelled that I must stay in it. I knew coming into it that it would be temporary, as did my landlord. I am in the process of searching a new place that would be more suitable and conducive.....perhaps a bit sooner than I would have but none the less!
I am now back in KC and plan to spend much of this week in the prayer room, just allowing the Holy Spirit to work on this heart of mine and get on board with what is on His heart! I am holding off on getting my PO Box until I get a different address. Where I am located right now requires me to use a post office that is less than optimal and my physical location could change which post office I will be using. I will be sure to let you all know my new info as it comes available. Would love to hear from you all! Blessings and grace to your day.
His,
Heather
